Yes, spontaneous sex can be fun, but the implication that planned sex or sex you have to discuss beforehand is boring and blase couldn’t be further from the truth and leads to a lot of unhappy people!
The biggest problem with this myth is that it has created a culture where people feel like they shouldn’t have to tell their partner what they need to be satisfied, and that their partner should magically just know what they need. This leads to a lot of unsatisfied people.
Imagine this: your partner is doing something that’s kind of okay, but it’s just not what you want. If you don’t tell them then they will think they are doing the right thing, and so they will continue to do something that doesn’t satisfy you. Imagine this occurring over weeks, months, or years. It’s no wonder a lot of long term couples aren’t sexually satisfied.
How about this as an alternative: you ask for what you want, you get it, and you have a great sex life because you’re satisfied!
Part of my job as a sexual health educator is to help people learn how to improve their relationships, and part of this is learning how to talk about sex. When couples use the fertility awareness method as birth control they are forced to talk about sex because they have to decide how they are going to manage the woman’s fertile window. Will they abstain altogether? Will they use condoms? A diaphragm? Or will they engage in alternative (non-intercourse) forms of sex?
My favourite advice columnist is Dan Savage, and he has said something along the lines of the reason gay couples are more satisfied sexually is because they can’t easily make assumptions about what the sex script looks like in the way that straight couples do. When a gay couple gets together they have to talk about what they want to do and what turns them on, compared to straight couples who just assume they are going to have regular intercourse.
Another problem with this culture is the idea that anything other than intercourse doesn’t count as sex or is just foreplay. As the wise Mr. Savage has said, people don’t always want to be penetrated, and so accepting that other forms of sex are actually “sex” would lead to a lot more interesting and creative things happening in the bedroom. And again, when couples use the fertility awareness method they have to talk about what they like and are forced to think outside the box and get creative when they are trying to avoid pregnancy during that fertile window.
So if you’re thinking that using the fertility awareness method is somehow going to limit the sex life of you and your partner that’s just not true — in many ways it may allow you to become more creative and more satisfied than ever before!